Pete's May 1999 Article.

“Hum!” by Pete Bennett

As with most articles I write, I usually start by sitting down at my computer, I think about a subject, then type my thoughts as words into the computer. This usually is all that it takes to produce an article.
 
Well, this time it didn’t work that way. I did exactly what I described to you and this time it just didn’t work. After rewriting the article several times I finally turned to the delete button on my word processor and got rid of the whole thing. It’s gone!
Now I’m going to let you witness this rewrite. Let’s see. I’ll need a name for this article. Hum!
Wait a minute, how can I give it a name if I don’t know what it’s about yet. Hum! Subject: “Pete’s Logic”, that should get them (you) interested. Hum!
 
Let’s see, what logic do I want to tell about? Hum! This could really get good.
 
When I was a kid I took lessons to learn to ride a bicycle. My parents couldnít afford to pay for full lessons so I only took half lessons. Thatís why all I can ride is a unicycle. Hum!
 
 See what I mean. I just flows from my finger tips. I got a bunch of 3-D glasses and I wear them at the same time. I just use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D. Hum!
 
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Albert Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up to three miles late to meetings.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. Ya know, we were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse. Hum!
 
Starting to catch on? It won’t get no better. Hum!
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. I just got a physical and asked the doctor, "How do I stand?" He said, "That's what puzzles me." What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? I think by now, their (your) finally seeing things my way. Hum!
 
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that all people die in alphabetical order. Two wrongs don't make a right. But three rights make a left. Think about it.
 
Why did the kamikaze pilots need helmets?
 
 If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
 
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'm going to forget.
 
If I melted dry ice, could I swim in it and not get wet?
 
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
 
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
 
 What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Hum!
Now that I have their (your) attention, It’s time for some humor. Recently the “Stupid Criminal Awards” were presented and here’s a few samples:
 
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
 
San Francisco: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of a payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. A few days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of a pair of handcuffs. He paid the fine!
 
San Diego: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you're over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was, in fact, over 21, and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
 
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
 
Now you’ve helped me rather well with this article, but if you’ve read my articles before you will recall that I always like to add a serious poem or item that leaves you thinking. So now I have got this little story for you that I hope will do just that. This was told to me by a friend:
 
During my junior year in high school, Mr. Reynolds, my English teacher, handed each student a list of thoughts or statements written by other students, then gave us a creative writing assignment based on one of those thoughts.
 
At 17, I was beginning to wonder about many things, so I chose the statement, "I wonder why things are the way they are?"
 
That night, I wrote down in the form of a story all the questions that puzzled me about life. I realized that many of them were hard to answer, and perhaps others could not be answered at all. When I turned in my paper, I was afraid that I might fail the assignment because I had not answered the question, "I wonder why things are the way they are?" I had no answers. I had only written questions.
 
The next day Mr. Reynolds called me to the front of the class and asked me to read my story for the other students. He handed the paper and sat down in the back of the room. The class became quiet as I began to read my story:
Mommy, Daddy........Why?
Mommy, why are the roses red?
Mommy, why is the grass green and the sky blue?
Why does a spider have a web and not a house?
Daddy, why can't I play in your toolbox?
Teacher, why do I have to read?
Mother, why can't I wear lipstick to the dance?
Daddy, why can't I stay out until 12:00?The other kids are.
Mother, why do you hate me?
Daddy, why don't the boys like me?
Why do I have to be so skinny?
Why do I have braces and wear glasses?
Why do I have to be 16?
Mom, why do I have to graduate?
Dad, why do I have to grow Up?
Mom, Dad, why do I have to leave?
Mom, why don't you write more often?
Dad, why do I miss my old friends?
Dad, why do you love me so much?
Dad, why do you spoil me?
Your little girl is growing up.
Mom, why don't you visit?
Mom, why is it hard to make new friends?
Dad, why do I miss being at home?
Dad, why does my heart skip a beat when he looks in my eyes?
Mom, why do my legs tremble when I hear his voice?
Mother, why is being "in love" the greatest feeling in the world?
Daddy, why don't you like to be called "Gramps"?
Mother, why do my baby's tiny fingers cling so tightly to mine?
Mother, why do they have to grow up?
Daddy, why do they have to leave?
Why do I have to be called "Granny"?
Mommy, Daddy, why did you have to leave me? I need you.
Why did my youth slip past me?
Why does my face show every smile that I have ever given to a friend or a stranger?
Why does my hair glisten a shiny silver?
Why do my hands quiver when I bend to pick a flower?
Why, God, are the roses red?
At the conclusion of my story, my eyes locked with Mr. Reynolds's eyes, and I saw a tear slowly sliding down his cheek. It was then that I realized that life is not always based on the answers we receive, but also on the questions that we ask. Hum!
 
Well thatís it for this month, thanks for the help. I didnít have to rewrite it again, but I have decided now after re-reading the article and knowing what itís about, I think Iíll name it ďHum!Ē.
 
Ok? So long for now!

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