Pete's  March 1999 Article.

"Ponder These" by Pete Bennett

March is the month of wind, and I've been told, many times that I have a lot of it. Just because I like to talk a lot and have a few stories to tell I get picked on quite often.

Anyway I have you, my faithful readers to fall back on and this month (Windy March) I'm really falling back on you! So hold on and I hope one of these jokes makes you laugh. If not, I can always shower more on you next month. Right?

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move at and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father never having seen an elevator responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Question: What goes 'Clip Clop', 'Clip Clop', 'Clip Clop', 'Clip Clop', 'Bang Bang', 'Clippity Clop', 'Clippity Clop', 'Clippity Clop', 'Clippity Clop'?

Answer: An Amish drive by shooting! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I will not fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii. The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that.

Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they are temperamental, why they are so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" asked the friend.

The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman around to hear him... Is he still wrong?

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The church steeple in Port Gibson is very high, and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half-way down and, as the steeple was widening out, was taking more and more paint. The painter felt that he might not have enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and did not care to make another trip to the ground, he decided to stretch the amount of paint by adding some paint thinner to it.

When finished, he lowered himself to the ground and went about cleaning up. Then he looked up to see the results of his work and noted that the area with the thinned paint looked decidedly different. He was pondering about what to do about it when the sky turned dark and there was a lightning flash and loud thunderclap.Then in a loud, booming voice from the sky came the words, "REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE !" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were 3 tomatoes, a mom, a dad and a son. The son lagged behind and fell splat on the floor. His dad yelled to him, "Ketchup, son". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God." One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply.

Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates: "Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence. "Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

(...The student received an "A" in the class.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new Pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10." Genesis 3:10: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

Better To Be Safe Than. .. Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of.... Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Cant Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust... Me!

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There is... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh & The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry & You Have To Blow Your Nose.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.


Now I can't just end this article with leaving you something more serious to ponder so here is my serious effort:

When I say "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting, I am saved I'm whispering, I get lost That is why I chose this way".

When I say, I am a Christian I don't speak of this with pride I'm confessing that I stumble And need Someone to be my guide.

When I say I am a Christian I'm not trying to be strong I'm professing that I'm weak And pray for strength to carry on.

When I say, I am a Christian I'm not bragging of success I'm admitting I have failed And cannot pay the debt.

When I say I am a Christian I'm not claiming to be perfect My flaws are all to visible But God believes I'm worth it.

When I say I am a Christian I still feel the sting of pain. I have my share of heartaches, Which is why I speak His name.

When I say I am a Christian, I do not wish to judge. I have no authority I only know I'm loved May God Richly Bless Your Walk With Him Today.

Amen and see you next time. Till then, you can read all of my articles on my Home Page at: http://petesallamericanhomepage.com/


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