Pete's January 2001 Article.

"Humor is Healthy" by Pete Bennett

A friend Cecil, from Virginia, who I spoke with recently urged me to write more healthy humorous articles so this month, thanks to Cecil, I am doing just that! It's great to have readers way down in Dixie.

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Did you hear about the four people on the airplane? There was a pilot, a Boy Scout, a retired priest and a law professor. It seems there was a problem with the plane and the pilot came back to announce that the plane was going to crash and there were only three parachutes. The pilot said that he had nine small children who depended on him, so he said "sorry," and he went to the back of the plane, grabbed a chute and bailed out. The lawyer said that he was one of the most brilliant law minds in the world and it would not be fair to deprive the world of his brilliant mind, that since he was one of the most brilliant lawyers in this century the world could not afford to lose him. He ran to the back of the plane, grabbed a chute and jumped out. The priest turned to the Boy Scout and said that he was an old man who had lived most of his life while the Boy Scout had his whole life in front of him. He told the Boy Scout not to be concerned and that he should take the last chute. The Boy Scout said, "Don't worry. "The greatest legal mind of this century just bailed out of the plane with my knapsack on."

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A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

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When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...

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A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language.

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Children were called upon in class to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail." Jack stood thinking for a bit, all eyes focused on him, while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, "DEFEAT of DEDUCT went over DEFENSE before DETAIL!!!"

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Mother: "What did your father say when he learned you're pregnant?" Daughter: "Shall I leave out the profanity?" Mother: "Yes, of course!" Daughter: "Nothing."

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"There's trouble with the car," said the wife. "It has water in the carburetor." "Water in the carburetor?" replied the husband. "That's ridiculous!" "I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor." "You don't even know what a carburetor IS, said the husband. "I'll check it out. Where's the car?" "In the pond."

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One day, after a near eternity in the Garden Of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?" God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me. You have surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I am lonely." "Well, Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you." "What's a woman, Lord?" "This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you." "Sounds great!" exclaims Adam. "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this woman cost me, Lord?" "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally, Adam responds, "Well, Lord, what can I get for a rib?"

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A couple met at Myrtle Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Linda," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live...eat...sleep...and breathe golf." "Well,..." Linda said, "Since you're being honest, so will I. You see, I'm a hooker." "I see," he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said..."It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

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While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of interns. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. "Michael, what would you do in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the intern, "I suppose I'd limp, too."

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And finally......Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their check book, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde." "She'll read it very slow."

Thanks folks, I hope you've enjoyed this healthy article! See you next month.

Let me know if you like the healthy jokes.


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