"December, a time for laughter" by Pete Bennett
December is truly a time for laughter and no matter where you are reading this, I'm confidant that you will have a chuckle when you read these jokes that I've dug up.
You may be at home sitting in front of a warm fireplace of off somewhere in the forest at a camp for the hunting season, maybe you're sitting in a Laundromat waiting for your clothes to dry, my point is that my jokes can make you laugh no matter where you are. Remember, your not laughing at the place, your laughing at the jokes, got it? So relax...enjoy!
A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs and she came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said"...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'" Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he said...."Holy smokes! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family of ten answered, "Thou shall not kill."
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The nursery school teacher was talking to her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted." There was another sign below it that said "self service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
I got a dog and named him "Stay." Now, I go "Come here, Stay!" After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I spilled spot remover on my other dog...now he's gone.
I have a map of the United States, life size. One mile equals one mile. It's HARD to fold.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said, they were behind the couch. She was right.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't sell anything specific.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...the other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in only ten minutes.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is."
"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. The next morning you can buy it back for seventy-five cents."
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
This guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!" "That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time." "Why chrome?" the man asked. "Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
A very prominent family decided to compile a family history as a legacy for their children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose, how to handle the story of Great-Uncle George, a murderer executed in the U.S, in an electric chair. Don't worry, said the author. He'd handle the family's infamous ancestor with tact. When the book appeared, it read: "Great-Uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His sudden death came as a great shock."
And now, one more then I gotta go...
Christian couple wanted to get a family pet. They felt it important to own Christian trained pet. So, they went pet searching at a kennel specializing in Christian trained pets. They found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new dog and his major skills, that they called the dog over and had him show his Bible fetching ability. The friends were very impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. "Well," they said, "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, ":HEEL!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man 's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
That's all for now, watch where your at, lay the paper down, you may be laughing in public. See ya in the new millennium! And speaking of the millennium and the Y2K scare here are the TOP 10 THINGS YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WITH THE Y2K BUG:
10. The bible still has the answers.
9. Prayer still works.
8. The Spirit can still move.
7. God still inhabits Praise.
6. There is Anointed preaching.
5. There is Anointed singing.
4. God still pours out His blessings.
3. There's room at the cross.
2. Jesus loves you.
And the number one thing you won't have to worry about with the Y2K bug
1. Jesus still saves. Because, people will become Y2K compliant. They will turn to Jesus and say "Yes 2 The King!"
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