Pete's August 2001 Article.


"Marriage Humor" By Pete Bennett

Sept. 1st is the day of my marriage to Ursula and it is approaching very quickly.

I thought it would be a good time for me to warm things up with a bit of good old marriage humor for this month's article. Ursula has a great sense of humor and so do I, I think. I'm certainly hoping that this article will not be the cause of our first quarrel. That would just be terrible.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, 'Lord, I have a problem.

What's the problem, Adam?', God replies. 'Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy.

Why is that, Adam'?, comes the reply from the heavens.

'Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.'

'Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you.'

'What's a 'woman', Lord?'

'This woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.', replies the heavenly voice.

Sounds great. She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam. 'How much will this 'woman cost me Lord?', Adam replies. She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear.

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.

Finally Adam says to God, what can I get for a rib?' The rest, as they say, is history.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :

- The Engagement Ring

- The Wedding Ring

- The Suffer-Ring

- The Endue-Ring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration :

-In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

-In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

-In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.

 

A woman had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation:

"If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."

Here is a Wedding toast!

May we never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

To keep a marriage brimming with love in the loving cup:

When you are wrong, admit it and when you are right, shut up!

Some Marriage Puns:

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Jack Handey (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handey Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

Some philosophers on marriage:

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West

The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- Coleridge.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? -- Freud

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancée

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence-Unknown( but not Pete)

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ... Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

I hope everyone understands that theses jokes I've presented are all in fun, because I do believe that marriage is wonderful and that we are headed in the right direction. I believe that the two secrets to a long-lasting happy marriage is a good sense of humor and a very short memory!

My toast to Ursula and I if it were proper to toast us would be:

" May our love be modern enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever. " Amen!

See you next time.


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