Pete's Article April 1998.

"Virtual Country Songs" By Pete Bennett

Well, here it is, April 1998, it’s been a long winter and a lot of things have happened. My wife Doris and I sold our home in Kersey and moved to Butler, PA. in December. Our son-in-law and his father, who own Woodbrook Builders built us a new home here. We are now moved in, and it’s lovely. Another thing that happened is that the magazine I wrote for closed down, and all winter I have not written anything! Through a friend, I heard of this new publication that would be producing it’s first issue in April, so I contacted the editor and begged for the opportunity to have an article in the first issue, and he graciously agreed to print an article. It was then that I realized that I didn’t have an article ready to give him, so I drew on some of my hidden resources from the internet, and put together this article. Hopefully you will read it, and maybe even like it, and we’ll be off on another adventure together. I hope my articles will help you relax a little bit after a hard days work, and maybe even make you laugh. I don’t plan on them all being humorous, but then again, I don’t plan much! So, here goes...

Now, everyone knows how much I love country music and just the other day, I was surfing the net when I came across this list of what someone had dubbed ‘Virtual Country Songs.’ Well, they’re ridiculous, to say the least, but do you know what? They’re real! I recall hearing some of them, maybe you will too. Here they are, now sit back and relax a bit, like I suggested, and have a good chuckle!

Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

I Didn’t Know Whether To Come Home Or Just Go Crazy

I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You

I’m Gettin’ Gray From Being Blue

I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line

If Drinkin’ Don’t Kill Me Her Memory Will

If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Whose I’d Find On You

Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)

She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me"

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me

You’re A Cross I Can’t Bear

You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It’s Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?

Don’t Cry On My Shoulders Cause It’s Rustin’ My Spurs

Here’s A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares

How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life

I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me

I Meant Every Word That He Said

I Would Have Writ You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yecch!

I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win

I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s like Having You Here

Iíve Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back in My Bed While I Cry Over You.

Can’t Roller-skate In A Buffalo Herd

If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low

If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

Learning to Live Again is Killing Me

May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose

My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, I Don’t Miss Her But I Sure Miss Him

Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears, and My Glasses are Slipping Down, but Baby I Can See Right Through You

Oh, Lord! It’d Hard to be Humble When You’re Perfect In Every Way

Thank God and Greyhound She’s Gone

They May Put Me in Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out

When The Phone Don’t Ring, Baby, You’ll Know It’s Me

You Can’t Deal Me All The Aces and Expect Me Not To Play

You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat

You’re Ruining My Bad Reputation

My Honey Ran Away With Bob Vila (Now I’m In This Old House Alone)

Country Music Ain’t Nuthin But Bad News And a Steel Guitar

Did You Ever Know You Loved Me?

I Ain’t Got But One Nerve Left And You’ve Done Got On That

She Even Woke Me Up To Say Good-Bye

While I Was Catchin Z’s, You Became My X, And I Wanna Know Y

Walk Out Backwards So I’ll Think You’re Coming In

If Liquor Were Coffee, I’d Have Grounds For Divorce

I Hit Him With A Golf Club, ‘Cuz He Really Teed Me Off

He Put Plastic Flowers On His Mamma’s Grave

You’ve Been Jealous Of My Mama, Since Her Jelly Took First Prize

Your Memory Is Better Than You

That’s a lot of funny songs, but this joke sort of sums it ALL up...

These two convicts were about to be executed. The warder says to the one, “Do you have a last request?” The convict says, “Yes, I’d like to hear ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ one last time.” The warden says “OK, I think we can arrange that.” Then he says to the second convict, “How about you? Last request?” The second convict says, “Yeah, hang ME first!”

See ya next month, and in the meantime, why not visit me at

Peteís ĎAll Americaní Home Page-  I just got a scanner for Christmas and have added a lot of pictures. Also I’d like to wish Tom lots of luck with the new magazine. I hope it becomes a HUGE success!

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