"That Middle Age" by Pete Bennett
Middle age is that time in life when your really "in the middle" on most everything.
Some people at this age get high blood pressure, gray hair and wrinkles. Some people cause it! Which one are you?
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out at this age. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory and the other two I forget. The "Guy up the Street" told me that you're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Stay on that couch!
Really, middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
You still get into discussions about politics, but the most heated argument you have are usually about pension plans. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned more often to slow down by his doctor then by the police. Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home the earliest. Now if you recognize any of these symptoms, you just may be catching up to me. Hee Hee!
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. A friend told me recently, At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. You don't have to worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. Growing old...... It's when you and your teeth don't sleep together anymore or you try to straighten out those wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
It's when your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio till midnight. It's when all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. Or it's when your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. You hunt for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
You know, the aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Here are a few more signs of it...You're getting old when getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot or when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. You worry about your thinning hair, then one day notice your ears are hairier than your head.
Or for you men, you're middle aged if your in-crowd considers you sexy just because you still have hair. You know, it's really hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Here's how a typical Last Will and Testament of a middle age person goes:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
Why I don't have wrinkles, I have "laugh lines" I laugh an awful lot !
Middle age is when you know your way around, but you'd rather not go.
You know you're slipping when you put tenderizer on your hot oatmeal in the morning.
At 55, everything's starting to click for me. My elbows, my neck, my knees.
Middle age is when your Granddaughter asks you about the 60's. Because they're studying the era in history class.
Some people develop an interest in the Stock Market when they retire:
Seniors are usually interested in the stock market.
Here's a light hearted Stock Market Report:
1. Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
2. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
3. Knives were up sharply.
4. Cows steered into a bull market.
5. Pencils lost a few points.
6. Hiking equipment was trailing.
7. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
8. Weights were up in heavy trading.
9. Light switches were off.
10. Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
11. Diapers remained unchanged.
12. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
13. The market for raisins dried up.
14. Coca Cola fizzled.
15. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
16. Sun peaked at midday.
17. Balloon prices were inflated.
18. Scott Tissue touched bottom.
19. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Now if that wasn't humor enough for you, here are two jokes that will make you think:
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him:
"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest.
"You may say another two words Brother John."
"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. What are the two words you wish to say today?
"I Quit." said Brother John. "It is probably best." said the Chief Priest.
"All you have done since you got here is complain, complain, complain!"
There once was a rich man who was near death.
He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel heard his plea and appears to him.
"I'm Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to be greeted by St. Peter.
St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
The man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase, curious to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"ALL YOU BROUGHT WAS PAVEMENT?!!!"
To feel better about your middle age why not get out and try a little trout fishing this month. I'll be back next month.
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